A little dancing music, please…

March 28, 2008 - I have loads of things on my mind, loads of things to do, and I have alot of energy right now. Part of the energy is the “Hey, it’s Friday! Woot!” mood in the office - and part of it is realising that life is darn good and I’ve got so much of it yet to live.

The last few days, I’ve felt…not really depressed, but….more “reality sucks”. How do you handle that? You just get moving, for pete’s sake, and you don’t give it any more thought than it’s due. By that I mean, “Take your meds, stupid.”

It doesn’t take long for me to come to grips with the knowledge that I need to just cross climbing Mt. Everest off my list of things to do. Oh wait…it wasn’t on there… I’ve also had my 20 minutes of down-time realising I can never be a roadie again. Wait…I haven’t been a roadie for 10 years…. Well, there’s the whole thing about going back to Kosovo….THAT I will probably have to cross off the list, but just with a light pencil mark for now…maybe I don’t have to really cross it off…yet.

Right now I am really pumped about the things on my plate at home. It’s the only plate that isn’t sitting in the dishwasher dirty, come to think of it. And yes, doing the dishes is on my list of things to do!

I don’t accept this amount of tiredness very well. I should be able to do everything I’ve been doing, keep the house clean, take the dog for frequent walks, and shoot rubber bands at the skateboarders who ignore me when I say “Stay off my sidewalk!”. I should be able to continue to rant and rail about the world’s lack of understanding in situations like what’s happening in Tibet (except the WSJ today - good article on the split society in Lhasa), what is now occurring in Basra, and kick the various series that are already in mid-completion up a notch and get things done.

I feel as if I am letting down my friends overseas, though they have not once said that - they just make “kind requests”. I feel as if I am letting people where I live down because I don’t get out and do things, and it is often all I can do to function putting one foot in front of the other; I know they think I am strange. I am letting down everyone else, too, and worst of all, I am letting myself down.

This is not a statement made to garner sympathy, or to hear anyone say, “Oh you are not letting me down!” No offense, but to hear anyone say that doesn’t help me work through getting back on track. There are several people to whom I really do owe hours and hours of concentrated devotion. A couple of you know exactly what I’m talking about, and I don’t intend to cut out things until the doctors tell me I have no choice.

I’ll tell you right here and now, if anything goes, it’s going to be the thing I love least, so you’ll always see me writing, and you’ll see books coming out like mad.

I have done a couple of things finally in areas that are important to me - things I should have done before I had that cold wet towel of “you’re-effin-old!” smack me in the face.  Some of the groups involved were ones to which I once belonged and I rather let them lapse over the years, and others are new to me, but very important:

World Without Frontiers
Reporters Without Borders (Reporters sans Frontiéres)
Amnesty International
UNOCHA
UNESCO
Institute for Multi-Track Diplomacy (IMTD)

Before anyone takes me to task about Reporters sans Frontiéres, I ask that you let me explain why I would join this particularly “over-enthusiastic” organisation.  I’ll do that separately.  Just remember what the Dalai Lama said, “Do not become Buddhist.  Work within your own culture -what you know.”

Also, please understand that what I do with any of these organisations is nothing.  I hold no “power” nor “weight” other than to assist as a volunteer.  I learn, I understand, and I have greater knowledge by working with groups with philosophies similar to mine…and in the case of Reporters sans Frontiéres, I work within the group to build a better understanding of and use of less radical and vehement behaviours. 

As far as my heart goes, I need to talk to Tsappora. Maybe our heart issues aren’t exactly the same, but I need to talk to her and to Mark. I need a little insight and a little encouragement that all is not lost, really.

In the meantime, my philosophy is this:

I’ll sleep when I’m dead.